Frasier throws an exclusive Academy Awards-viewing party for various socialites, co-workers and members of the Seattle elite. Once all the guests have arrived in his condo, he announces that due to his personal dissatisfaction with this year’s crop of Oscar-nominated films, he’ll actually be performing his own ceremony tonight - “The Frasiers” - in which he’ll present custom-ordered award statues to his own hand-picked list of the year’s best films. Multiple guests attempt to flee, only to find the front door barred and caulked from the outside and the balcony railings electrified.
Niles has himself plated in edible gold leaf as a romantic Oscar Night surprise for Maris. She’s delighted when she finds him naked and standing on an obsidian plinth in their mansion, but when she retires to bed full and wheezing after a peeling off only a single bite, the timid doctor remains trapped on his pedestal all evening and is eventually hospitalized for skin suffocation.
Martin - hands wringing as he perches on the edge of his plush red seat in the Kodak Theatre - wins the Academy Award for Best Original Song, the estate of Frank Sinatra having selected his archived submission “She’s Such A Groovy Lady” for use in a prestigious biopic entitled Ol’ Blue-Eyes. Overcome with emotion as he takes the stage to accept the award, the old man makes a heartfelt speech tearfully thanking his sons for all their help in getting him to pursue this impossible dream. Frasier and all his guests miss the televised tribute as he’s in the middle of presenting yet another Frasier-shaped gold statuette to a pretentious, unreleased foreign-language short film that he himself made.
Frasier begins riding a horse to work as a sign of nobility. Niles’ months of planting post-hypnotic suggestions in dozens of patients culminates in a romantic flash-mob song-and-dance number for Daphne, followed by an actual mob of furious and confused hypnosis victims. Martin sits in the beating sun on the condo balcony, slowly pulling at a bottle of scotch and observing how the pedestrians on the street below look barely larger than ants. Roz anxiously watches the recording-booth clock alone as Frasier’s timeslot grows nearer, dismissing Noel’s nonsensical claims about spotting a bloody, unconscious man being dragged around the KACL parking garage with this boot caught in the opulently-engraved stirrup of a horse’s saddle. As the sun reaches its apex, Martin heads up the roof access stairwell with a giant magnifying glass.
Niles begins carrying around a handy spade, using it to dig quick holes and bury his head, ostrich-like, whenever he’s overcome with social anxiety. Daphne dresses Eddie in a tutu and gets his fur elaborately styled for a “Little Miss Puppy-Seattle” competition, which he wins. Martin’s outrage lasts the thirty seconds between finding out about the emasculating pageant and spotting the sumptuous, goodie-filled prize basket, which he tucks into with such excitement that he never notices it’s mostly lavish dog treats. Two thirds of the way through the episode, Gil Chesterton suddenly “recognizes” Frasier as Kelsey Grammer, the actor. The rest of the characters don’t seem to understand or believe the effete food critic despite his increasingly fervent and panic-stricken insistence, and he’s eventually removed from the scene by two mysterious KACL “interns” played by unknown actors.
When Washington increases its state alcohol tax, Frasier and Niles begin brewing their own moonshine sherry in a finely-wrought still hidden under Frasier’s radio console. The product is good enough that the boys start marketing it to their socialite friends at outrageous prices, but after a wave of mysterious blindings sweeps Seattle’s upper crust, they distance themselves from the business. Slapping a photo of a stern, featherduster-wielding Daphne on the bottles, the brothers begin selling their crude potation as “Moon’s Shine”, a household cleaning agent. Martin vows to give up BBQ-flavoured pork rinds as soon as he finds “the perfect rind”, consuming over forty bags in the process during a single afternoon. Finally satisfied, the bloated ex-cop reclines in his chair and pops open a bag of the salt ‘n’ vinegar variety. Roz gets fresh with the new office bagel boy during his morning delivery to the producer’s booth, but their desktop fumblings are cut short by a cistern explosion from under the console, followed by all the recently-cleaned surfaces in the station catching fire.
Frasier’s grand piano is out of tune, and with his trustworthy tuner on vacation for the week, he becomes starved for live music. Picking up a newspaper to browse through the evening’s array of vocal performances, he discovers there are none - the Seattle Choral Union has gone on strike in protest of low wages. “Hmmm”, the wealthy doctor murmurs before whipping his coat from its hook and striding out the door.
Niles begins buying immaculate clothing from an exotic new boutique called Oh, Wouldn’t You Like To Know, provoking frustration and outrage from his socialite friends whenever they ask him where he’s been shopping.
As Daphne does her usual rounds of sweeping and dusting, she swears she hears beautiful choir music coming from under Frasier’s closed bedroom door. She knocks, but the voices immediately stop and Frasier shouts from within that he does not need any cleaning and is not to be disturbed until further notice. As Daphne sulks away, she hears the choir begin their haunting, wordless melody anew.
Martin thinks the lit windows of the Seattle skyline are spelling out secret coded messages when viewed from the condo balcony. He sets up camp with a camera and his telescope and spends hours recording their ever-changing patterns while pouring over books of morse and army codes. Eventually, Daphne answers a loud knock at the front door and police barge in to arrest the old man, following dozens of reports of a Peeping Tom spying on people from the Elliott Bay Towers. As he’s being handcuffed, hundreds of windows light up to spell “GOTCHA!” across several buildings, but Martin is the only one looking at them and is dragged from the balcony ranting and raving.
Daphne rushes down the hall to the master bedroom to inform Frasier of his father’s arrest, but is unable to be heard over the blaring voices of the doctor’s private choir. She finally bursts through the bedroom door, only to find Frasier, sitting alone, playing a grotesque pipe organ made of harvested human larynxes.
Niles asks Frasier for permission to use his kitchen to cook an elaborate Valentine’s Day dinner for Maris without her seeing beforehand. Frasier agrees, but is confused to find the meal still laid out on his own dining table when he comes home for the evening. Niles explains that Maris is on a new transcendentalist diet where one saves calories by only “eating” via astral projection.
Suddenly inexplicably wary of Ballantine’s, Martin impulsively orders a new brand of beer at McGinty’s, but finds it too bitter for him. He attempts to improve the flavour by adding handful after handful of cinnamon hearts from the bowls lining the countertop, creating a spicy crimson beverage all his fellow ex-cops can’t get enough of.
Roz and her new boyfriend attempt to recreate the erotic food scene from 9 ½ Weeks, but accidentally concoct a powerful, body heat-activated adhesive out of honey and cornstarch and end up glued to Roz’ bed in an unbearable tangle as a line of ants begins trickling into the apartment.
A forlorn Frasier and Daphne sit up together later in the evening, ruminating on their lack of romantic success. They decide that despite the completely platonic nature of their relationship, it would still be fun to go out for a drink together in order to ease their loneliness. The “date” doesn’t last long, however, when upon arriving at McGinty’s they are greeted by the sight of about a dozen barflys - including Martin - collapsed and writhing on the floor of the bar, red and pink vomit everywhere.
While out shopping one afternoon, Frasier finds himself stopping to check his reflection in nearly every store window he passes, under suspicion that his hair is growing rapidly by the minute. Martin tries to enter the elevator at the Elliott Bay Towers, but in doing so, his coat sleeve gets caught in the door, resulting in him being painfully dragged into the narrow gap between the body of the elevator and the door as it opens, smearing him into two dimensions. Spying an opportunity for mischief, he drapes himself limply on Daphne’s towel rack and waits. Niles pulls out a copy of the DSM-IV to refer to during a session with a patient, but the book slips out of its jacket revealing it to be a cleverly concealed copy of Mein Kampf.
The credits play over a shot of two mall cops shaking their heads disapprovingly at a helpless Frasier, his now six-foot-long mop of hair firmly snagged in the teeth of an escalator as he gets dragged to a grisly end.
After years of openly criticizing Frasier’s radio show for its “fast-food approach to psychiatry”, an envious Niles caves and attempts to top his brother by opening an actual fast food restaurant where customers are advised on their mental health problems while waiting to order their meals.
In lieu of actually conversing with friends and family at Café Nervosa, Frasier begins setting a cassette player down on the table and lazily playing real-life “Best of Crane” tapes of himself engaging in coffee shop chit-chat. Martin, Daphne and Roz all seem perfectly content trading barbs and haphazard witticisms with the recordings as Frasier silently reads periodicals or sips coffee while ruminating in deep thought. Eventually, he pays a busboy to set up the tape player and starts brewing his own coffee at home.
Niles’ business plan backfires when his quick therapy sessions prove too effective - most of his customers have a new lease on life by the time they reach the front of the line, and are in no mood to load up on grease-soaked burgers and fries. After crunching some numbers, the sly doctor shrewdly determines that giving cruel, self-pity-inducing advice to each queued customer will be slightly more profitable than adding healthier menu options.
Frasier stumbles across a “Dr. Frasier Crane Lookalike Contest” being held in a bar in downtown Seattle. He playfully enters, only to come in fourth place and go completely unrecognized by the drunken voters. Alarmed by the perceived loss of his image, he starts getting a series of plastic surgeries in an attempt to get ever closer to “the ultimate idea of Frasier”.
Niles is tasked with writing the keynote address for an American Psychological Association dinner, but gets carried away with the honour and turns out a disgustingly long, verbose speech that rambles on for hours. When Daphne innocently suggests he edit it to a more manageable length, he ends up whittling it down more and more until it’s a meaningless, pronoun-free onslaught of nouns and verbs, many of which are missing their vowels.
Martin begins demanding his eggs be cooked “Seattle-Side Up”. When nobody knows what he means, he launches into a tirade about the younger generations’ ineptitude and how they wouldn’t even be fit to run a diner, let alone the country. When someone suggests he fry the eggs himself to show them how, he only becomes more agitated, shouting about how he served this country for years and now they expect a man to serve his own eggs. Eventually, he’s moved to the secure ward in Wing 4 for Quiet Time.
Roz brushes off Bulldog yet again with a wistful monologue about her ongoing hunt for the perfect man. She’s then speechless when a statuesque caricature of Frasier strides into the radio booth sporting the body of a Greek god and a grossly enlarged, shining forehead ringed by a laurel of flowing bronze curls. Suddenly seeing him in a new light, Roz struggles to find her words until the idealized doctor signs on to his radio show with a surgically-deepened voice that blows out all the the station’s windows.
Daphne buys a walkman and headphones to listen to music while she cleans the condo. When Martin forgets his lobby entry code and Daphne can’t hear him buzz the intercom, he’s trapped outside on the street. Tiring of waiting, the old man takes up his cane as a mountaineering hook and spends the entire episode slowly scaling the building’s balconies to try and reach the 19th floor, getting into all sorts of trouble along the way.
Attempting to scare up some business for his psych practice, Niles starts staging phony accidents all around Seattle, then has planted actors hand out his business cards to the traumatized witnesses, advising them to seek therapy. Frasier becomes adept at tossing balls of paper into his wastebasket at work, and filled with pride at his newfound “athletic prowess”, he starts casually throwing everyday objects to their targets wherever he goes, leading to a series of scaldings at Nervosa.
Daphne’s rebellious Brit-punk jams send her into a passionate cleaning frenzy, aggressively scrubbing and re-scrubbing the condo for hours. Switching to her extra-rough sponge and turning up the walkman’s volume, she gradually begins wearing away every surface until the entire apartment is not just spotless, but an inch larger in every direction. Frasier returns home and tosses his overcoat to its hook on the wall without looking. Thrown off by the condo’s new dimensions, the garment sails past its target, crashing through the now polished-thin glass of the balcony doors and down over the railing.
Niles is delighted to be inundated with several new traumatized patients within days, but curiously they all report the same shocking sight of a coat-covered old man falling off a highrise and crashing through the roof of a parked car.