Text 14 Apr 4 notes Till the Cows Come Home

After losing Eddie one too many times in the local dog park, Martin puts a cowbell on his collar in order to keep track of him. Eddie responds by becoming frustratingly slow and lethargic, and spends all his walks lazily grazing on the grass in the park while growing fatter at an alarming rate. When Martin returns to the condo one afternoon with a large dairy cow in tow, Daphne decides to supplement her income with an old-fashioned door-to-door milk delivery service, which all the building’s residents eagerly sign up for.

Roz returns to Wisconsin to take over the family cheese business, leaving Frasier in need of a new producer. He hires a ravishingly beautiful and voluptuous young intern, but she turns out to be so distracting that he can barely pay attention to his callers, and soon becomes incapable of responding in anything more coherent than a vaguely aroused grunting and moaning noise.

After weeks of milk delivery, the demand becomes so high that the bovine Eddie can barely keep up with the rate of consumption, and after being hooked up to a pump, is drained back down to his normal size and shape. With the milk supply now cut off, and angry milk-addicted residents banging on their door, Martin grimly turns to Daphne with the pump, as she backs nervously away from the crazed old man.

The credits roll over a shot of a thrashing Frasier being dragged away by two police officers, with his pants around his ankles as he wails caveman-like in protest. A third officer stands nearby taking a statement from the tearful intern.

Text 11 Apr 5 notes Breakwater

Frasier discovers a tiny Napoleonic naval battle underway in his bathtub. Daphne reminisces about the time selkies dragged her into the filthy pond near her childhood home. Martin and Duke set out on a fishing trip that turns into a dark, symbolism-filled quest for revenge against a giant squid that once sunk a frigate Martin was stationed on during the Korean war. Niles finds Maris face-down in one of their koi ponds, apparently drowned after a failed gill-implant surgery.

Text 9 Apr 20 notes Frasr

Frasier putters around his condo, growing increasingly annoyed at the way Martin seems to be reclining his chair back and opening a beer every time Frasier walks by. After observing his father repeat the motion for hours on end with no change, he takes a closer look and notices the beer can re-sealing itself each time Martin sits up, as if the old man is trapped in a silent, animated loop. Frasier tries to run for help, but comically trips over the italicized yellow Arial text hovering in front of the recliner, placed to capture a hilarious Marty Crane witticism devoid of context or timing.

The mystery proves to be excessively complex, but while the police are stumped, the Crane Boys dramatically solve it together in the end. Frasier, as a local celebrity, is given most of the credit, and a photo of him wearing his trademark Belstaff wool coat and scarf dominates the front page of the newspaper, which praises his genius while relegating Niles’ to little more than a loveable sidekick. They’re soon flooded with pleas to investigate more crimes, as well as fan mail inquiring about an attraction between the two, or between Frasier and his nemesis Cam Winston.

Roz starts dating a college student who identifies himself as cisgendered, which makes her feel extremely progressive and trendy despite having no idea what the term means. When he eventually asserts that she, too, is cisgendered, she doesn’t know whether to be offended, complimented or corrective. Wandering around his campus in a state of confusion, she’s indoctrinated into no less than seven different gender-based societies, desperately attracted to the men in all of them.

Niles, having been badly injured by Frasier’s latest enemy, languishes in a hospital bed, lamenting to Daphne that he was always seen as “the younger brother” and “the second doctor” in the family. He succumbs to his injuries, but suddenly begins to glow with golden light. Daphne watches in amazement as Niles regenerates into the self-proclaimed “third doctor”, a childish but wise hero played by Tom Hiddleston. Together, the two embark on a series of adventures through time and space in Niles’ apartment at the Montana, which proves to be far larger on the inside than the out.

The credits roll over a series of photos depicting the unlikely friendship between Eddie and a baby penguin.

Text 7 Apr 5 notes Sportsmanship

After a last-minute timeslot switch with Bulldog, Frasier is swamped with calls regarding a cryptic “March Madness” he is yet unaware of. The mystery deepens when Frasier can find no mention of the affliction in any medical texts and obsessively sets out to discover the root of the unexplained phenomenon. Niles comes into a windfall of cash after submitting a perfect bracket for a United States Chess Federation tournament. After work, Roz heads to Nervosa where she encounters Frasier shrewdly listening in on several separate conversations related to “March Madness”. He begins heatedly questioning other patrons and quickly gets excited and agitated when no one can figure out what he is talking about. As he begins violently shaking a college student and screaming “what does it all MEEAANN?!, Roz steps in and knocks him out cold with a solid right hook. A grizzled Martin watches the scene unfold approvingly from the doorway and takes Roz under his wing to train as a fighter despite his strong, old-world gender prejudices.

The credits roll as Frasier is shown being rolled down a hospital hallway on a gurney, strapped down and writhing with crazed desperation as a doctor tries to sedate him. The camera holds over a single open door as Frasier goes wheeling past, displaying a stoically tearful Martin unplugging Roz’s life support.

Text 6 Apr 10 notes 12 Days A Grave

Martin takes a nap and is accidentally buried alive, following an elaborate funeral service. Niles and Frasier bicker over the will until a lawyer informs them that their father’s entire, surprisingly-vast fortune was left to Eddie. Daphne seeks new clients as her income dries up without Martin around, but when she is unable to find a long-term patient to accommodate her, she steals Martin’s old service revolver and sets out to create more “demand” for her services. Roz finds herself buried along with Martin as his concubine for the afterlife, after it is revealed the old man was a strict Norse Pagan. The credits roll as a sallow, dirt-covered Martin bursts through the door of the condo, stumbling upon Eddie languishing indifferently atop a heap of precious gems and gold while a grudging Niles and Frasier subserviently attend to him.

Text 5 Apr 5 notes First Impressions

Niles breaks his wrists shucking an oyster at a high-society party, and must go about the party awkwardly snubbing handshakes from powerful Seattleites. Martin and Daphne visit the Seattle Museum of Flight but are thrown out by security when a suddenly patriotic and impassioned Martin confronts a family of Japanese tourists about Pearl Harbor. Roz and Alice are invited to another child’s birthday party, which also happens to be a costume party. Alice decides to dress up as a dalmatian like her pet Ariel, but when Roz is unable to distinguish her daughter from the dog, she accidentally locks Alice behind a gate with a bowl of kibble and sets out to the party with Ariel in tow. Frasier gets a new mango-beeswax “forehead polish” treatment at a luxurious and exclusive day-spa, which backfires when no one can stand to look at him due to the extreme glare.

Text 4 Apr 7 notes The Price of Freedom

Frasier accidentally uses a counterfeit bill at an upscale restaurant on a date. When he is embarrassingly confronted by the manager, he attempts to prove his ignorance of the fake money by opening his wallet to show all the real cash contained therein, but when he pulls it out, he realizes he’s somehow managed to switch wallets with Martin. Rifling through the wallet for cash, he finds only Monopoly money and a taunting note from Martin asking him how the dinner is going, as his date makes for the exit in a huff.

Niles repeatedly returns and exchanges his Macchiato in Café Nervosa as the arrangement of nutmeg shavings on the foam grows more and more displeasing with each successive order. Eventually, he simply throws his scalding drink in the face of the utterly perplexed adolescent barista. Wringing out the injured youth’s apron into his cup, Niles takes a sip and proclaims the drink perfect, to be heretofore known as his “usual”. Daphne begins stealing other Elliott Bay residents’ laundry at her leisure. She is caught when the doorman spots her trying to leave the building in an ill-fitting men’s suit. Martin discovers an eagle’s nest atop the Elliot Bay Towers and hatches a plan to steal one of the eggs in order to make himself an oversized omelet. After casing the nest for hours, he eventually creeps over and scoops up a single egg a fraction of a second before an ear-piercing cry stabs through the air.

Frasier fumes as he walks home from his train-wreck of a date, kicking at the sidewalk in barely contained rage. Suddenly, he hears someone crying out in panic, and the shadow of a human form begins to take shape on the pavement in front of him. Martin crashes into the ground with a tremendous thud and a splatter of blood soaks Frasier from head to toe, though he manages to catch a round white object as it bounces from his father’s grasp. The old man slowly extends an arm and manages to rasp something about “the grandest omelet in all of Washington, before Frasier callously drops and breaks the egg on the sidewalk whilst glaring at Martin with smug satisfaction. 

Text 2 Apr 7 notes Giveth and Taketh

Frasier is asked to plan and host a local hospital’s charity gala for mental health awareness, but ends up far exceeding the budget provided to him on exotic flower arrangements, expensive champagnes and an actual elephant for himself to arrive on. He sends the bill for all his excess expenses to the hospital, costing them far more than they managed to make from the event and leading to the closure of their psychiatric ward. Maris undergoes a radical new weight loss treatment where every part of her body is removed except for her brain, which is carefully stored in a large glass jar. Niles is forced to carry her about at all their social occasions, at which their socialite friends fawn enviously over her new look. Daphne realizes she has mistakenly been giving Frasier’s foie gras to Eddie for years, and putting out Eddie’s dog food as an hors d’oeuvres at all of Frasier’s dinner parties. Martin dusts off his old iron scuba suit for a stroll at the bottom of Puget Sound.

Photo 2 Apr 6 notes
Text 1 Apr 8 notes Barr None

Roseanne and Dan have become too good at anticipating each other’s jibes, and struggle for outlandish ways to up the ante. Jackie tries to get Darlene out of her teenage funk with a trip to the bowling alley, where the girls are amused to discover David working as a dancing dinosaur mascot. After Becky tattles on D.J. for making fun of a fast food waitress, Roseanne puts him to work mopping floors with her at the Lanford Lunchbox.

Shortly before closing time, a drifter stumbles into the diner with a thick, unwashed beard and wool cap pulled low. The man orders a coffee from Roseanne, cradling the greasy ceramic cup in his frostbitten hands and sipping it for warmth alone as he mumbles criticisms about the brew and suggests using blends of beans that none of the locals have ever heard of. Dan soon arrives to pick up his wife and son, and when the unruly vagrant’s increasingly agitated opinions give way to empty, moth-ridden pockets, the burly family man is forced to strong-arm him out the front door. “What a strange, old fool!” Roseanne guffaws, though she reflexively clutches her husband with a chill.

Outside in the cold, the vagabond dusts himself off, removing his cap to wipe at a prominent forehead. As he plods unsteadily down the side of the road, the camera pans up to a decrepit highway billboard, a tattered and nearly illegible banner for The Dr. Frasier Crane Show on KACL hanging from its rusted iron frame.


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