Text 4 Jul 11 notes Fourscore Seven

Daphne’s mock-apple pie passes seamlessly for the real deal at Niles’ Independence Day dinner party, earning them the approval of both the Montana’s stern tenants board and the immigration official in charge of approving Daphne’s Green card. Roz takes Alice to see her first fireworks display at Lake Union, creating a cherished and magical memory for life. Frasier’s soaring rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner propels the Seattle Mariners to an unlikely grand-slam victory, making Martin a cool ten grand on a last-minute bet. With the centralized festivities in full distracting swing, teeming herds of vengeful bison slowly surround the city.

Text 3 Jul 10 notes Bat Wings and Pretty Things

Niles, deciding he can’t bear to see Daphne continue to gain weight at her current rate, prods and pelts her insultingly with bon-bons until she decides to attend a weight-loss spa. When she returns, however, he is horrified to discover that while she has indeed lost weight, she has retained most of her loose skin. The situation grows more dire when Daphne begins gliding in a bat-like fashion from tree tops and tall buildings, terrifying neighborhood children. Things climax in the third act when she becomes tangled in Niles’ hair after being goaded down from the rafters of his cavernous apartment by means of a broom handle - all of which occurs, naturally, during an elaborate dinner party Frasier is hosting at his brother’s in order to ingratiate himself to no less than thirty-eight different cultural boards and committees with whom he is seeking membership.

Martin tries to repair the old family lawn mower, with some unwelcome help from Roz.

Text 26 Jun 9 notes Note Perfect

Frasier decides to compose yet another theme song for his radio show. Rejuvenated by the project at first, he begins to pour more and more energy into it, staying up late into the night to scrawl sheet music at the piano and going to increasingly extreme and paranoid lengths to prevent anybody else from hearing or reading a single note. Frasier soon appears to lose all sense of reason, making outrageous accusations like that Niles has been stealing his f-sharps(“You’ve been coveting those sharps since we suckled at Mother’s teat!) and that Daphne has replaced his peacock-feather notation quill with that of a common pheasant. He eventually drinks an entire bottle of iron gall ink and is found by his family face-down on the hardwood steps next to the piano, surrounded by crumpled staff paper, hand still twitching as if trying to jot down more music.

After having Frasier hospitalized, Niles sits down and attempts to play the new theme from the sheets while Daphne and Martin listen, but from the very first bar, the result is only a jarring cacophony of notes with no apparent structure or underlying melody.

 
Photo 26 Jun 31 notes
Text 19 Jun 14 notes Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs

Niles and Daphne take an erotic cooking class together which quickly breaks down into a circus sideshow - or perhaps freakshow - due to Niles’ many comical allergic reactions. When Martin and his poker buddies watch an old porno movie taped from cable, he’s shocked and disturbed to recognize a young Roz in the lead role of “Rosey Palms”. He later finds he can’t get the image of her lewd acts out of his head, and begins to entertain increasingly deplorable fantasies involving the two of them and occasionally Eddie. Frasier has become completely fed up with taking elaborate pains such as soft music, wine, fancy candles and fine dining to charm his dates and instead resorts to a bird-like mating dance. His new moves are a hit with the gorgeous Seattle U Professor of Ornithology he’s courting and result in a night of passionate lovemaking…. that is, until a hungry muskrat intrudes upon their nest.

Text 14 Jun 13 notes A Slice Of Life

Daphne scoffs about how so many American news anchors have alliterative first and last names, but when Martin presses her about this peculiar complaint, she’s unable to think of a single actual example. Niles develops a rivalry with another regular customer of François’ Finest Fromagerie. The two begin showing up earlier and earlier each day to reserve whole orders of the other’s favourite goods and deliberately hide key cheeses in the wrong aisles until they’re eventually both banned from the shop. When an important knob goes missing from her radio console, Roz lets her production quality degrade to comical lows rather than deal with the station’s obnoxious new repairman. Frasier awakens from a night of curiously vivid dreams to find himself floating impossibly into the air above his own bed. His awe at the surreal situation is quickly interrupted by the merciless blades of a ceiling fan.

Text 23 May 21 notes Cranes Of Future Past

With Daphne’s claims of being “a bit psychic” having steadily increased in frequency during recent weeks, along with a persistent headache, she requests time off from her duties to rest in her bedroom, leaving the Crane household to fend for itself.

Reading the newspaper that morning, Frasier learns that the prestigious opera director whom he “dated” after being falsely outed on his radio show, Alistair Burke(returning guest star Patrick Stewart), has lost the use of his legs in a choreography accident. A charity ball soon scheduled in Alistair’s honour, which Frasier sees as an opportunity to worm his way back into the well-connected man’s inner circle. With bourgeois guests from all over the country jumping at the chance to attend, the self-conscious doctor becomes eager to make his best impression, and hastily books a series of high-end beauty treatments including a full hair restoration, rare blue-algae dermal scrubs and an experimental Swedish ligament-stretching.

Niles buys an ostentatious new pair of avant-garde sunglasses with lenses made of actual ruby. Enamoured with his own look, he becomes haughtier than ever, constantly tipping the glasses to glare at busboys, custodians and Roz with withering condescension. Eventually, his gaze becomes so intense that anything he looks at is literally blasted to pieces, requiring him to keep the glasses on at all times, which risks a fashion faux pas at the upcoming black-tie charity ball.

Niles heads to his brother’s condo to explain his dire situation. Upon arriving, he’s aghast to discover that Frasier’s extensive beauty therapies - all crammed into a single day - have been horribly botched, transforming the bombastic intellectual into a blue, fur-covered beast with elongated limbs and apelike agility. The brothers balk at each other’s plight, but - sipping sherry while he hangs upside-down by stem-cell-pedicure-induced prehensile feet - Frasier soon begins likening their superficial afflictions to Alistair’s paraplegia, and declares them a fashionable way to gain sympathy at the ball.

Without Daphne to prepare his meals for him, Martin begins living off of endless microwaveables, pressing his nose against the glass each time to watch them cook in fascination. After days of exposure to microwave radiation and cheap, preservative-filled meals - many with the tin foil left on in a lazy but dazzling spectacle - Martin realizes he’s gained the ability to emit magnetic fields. Thrilled with the development, he quickly puts it to use retriving can after can of Ballantine’s from the fridge without having to leave his recliner. Roz meanwhile becomes typhoid mary for a rare disease so contagious that mere skin contact can immediately debilitate victims. She refuses to let it affect her lovelife, leaving a trail of comatose men in her wake.

Frasier and Niles take the stage during Alistair’s salutation at the gala, literally rolling him out of the spotlight to deliver their own impassioned speech about their plight, and the plight of every rich, white socialite forced to deal with the petty annoyances of the common man on a near-daily basis. With the crowd whipped into a privileged frenzy, Frasier affirms them all as his exclusive army of “F-Men”, ready to storm the streets and take back America for the superior breed.

The opera hall itself is suddenly torn asunder by the arrival of a flaming, winged being wreathed in psionic fire, who cuts the revolutionary movement short by disintegrating most of Seattle’s upper crust. Frasier cowers under the podium and Niles stares up with desperate infatuation as the godesslike figure begins rambling in a terrifying, otherworldly voice about quaint things “Grammy Moon used to say.”

Text 20 May 5 notes Hard Copy

Frasier becomes paranoid after learning the grisly fate of the station’s previous radio psychiatrist. Niles gets his tie caught in the fax machine in his office, then must suffer through a day’s worth of sessions awkwardly hunched over his desk with the machine concealed in his lap, slowly feeding him further and further in. Daphne sews a garish faux-fur slipcover for Martin’s cane, inadvertently making it a target for an overzealous great dane at the dog park. Hiding under his radio console, Frasier is terrified when a fax drifts down off the desk bearing the mangled image of Niles’ face. During a late-night walk through the park, Roz is forced to pepper spray a half-nude, mud-and-leaf covered old man as he limps out of some bushes toward her, wheezing.

Text 5 May 14 notes Taking Five

Frasier begins opening his radio show with the booming motif of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony, and is soon travelling with a hired orchestra in tow to announce his real-life entry into any room. Martin celebrates Cinco de Mayo by ordering five differently seasoned jars of mayonnaise from BBQ Monthly, then eating them all over the course of five grotesque meals in a single day. Gil Chesterton downs a fifth of peppermint schnapps and drunkenly takes to the airwaves with his own version of Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5”, filled with ambiguously-gendered names. Roz’ suspects her diversely talented new boyfriend is actually identical quintuplets, each with a lone area of expertise, rotating between dates with her on different nights of the week. Attempting to return of the high five of a cool new patient, Niles clumsily knocks a bust of Carl Jung out his office window and into oncoming traffic. In court, he pleads the fifth.

Text 28 Apr 14 notes Novel Ideas

Martin is intrigued by a magazine article on the toughest books of the 20th century, and after careful consideration, selects Witold Gombrowicz’ dense, existentialist Polish strife novel Kosmos as the perfect thickness to wedge under the most worn-down leg of his recliner.

Frasier reveals that he briefly met a young, pre-fame J.K. Rowling while doing his post-doctoral fellowship at Oxford. By the end of the episode, he’s spun the meagre encounter into a tale of a profound, life-changing meeting of the minds, in which he himself served as the inspiration for Albus Dumbledore.

Niles returns from a rare books auction claiming to have purchased a historical naval journal, but after some snooping, Daphne discovers it’s actually the sole remaining copy of a lurid, self-published 1996 romance novel detailing the sexual escapades of one Nicolas Crown, a Mercantile-era ship’s doctor lusting after the uneducated deckswab Daphnette on the HMS Maris.

Roz joins a book club in a legitimate attempt to better herself, but abandons it to sign up with the bowling league of a man she meets in a bar on the way to her first meeting.


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